


Bait Fish

by romulusgloriosus



Category: Homestuck
Genre: "Inktober", Gen, The Homestuck Epilogues: Candy, i love the fish boy but i just gotta sorry, just eridan getting dunked on constantly, just silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2020-11-23 03:29:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20885402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/romulusgloriosus/pseuds/romulusgloriosus
Summary: The ghost of Eridan Ampora is brought before Commander Karkat Vantas of the Troll Rebellion. Shenanigans ensue. It sucks to be Eridan Ampora. I wrote this for "inktober" because I can't draw. Today's prompt was "bait."





	Bait Fish

It’s 0100 hours and Shuter Pewpew, rifleman in the Troll Rebellion, keeps his gun pointlessly aimed at the back of the ghost of Eridan Ampora as he pushes him through the halls of the brooding caverns towards the meeting room. “Pointlessly aimed” because Eridan is a ghost, and ghosts can’t really be shot. But Eridan is really just a coward and doesn’t want to test it, so he keeps his hands above his head and follows the rifleman’s direction. When they arrive in the meeting room Commander Karkat Vantas is already there, along with his right hand women Meenah Peixes and Kanaya Maryam, and several other high ranking members of the rebellion. Eridan is brought into the middle of the room, and Shuter nods to his commander.

KARKAT: THANK YOU SHUTER. YOU’RE DISMISSED.  
SHUTER: >>> Sir, yes sir! >>>

Shuter leaves the room, and instead of addressing Eridan, Karkat turns to the rest of his officers and begins planning an attack on a local Crocker Corp facility. Guerilla tactics – what the news calls “terrorism” – have proven effective in the struggle against the Batterwitch’s forces. Ever since Crocker Corp folded the now defunct Skaianet into its operations, most Crocker facilities are used to build drones and weaponry as opposed to baking equipment. The facility they plan to attack tonight, however, is planning to build something much bigger, and much more dangerous. The only piece of information that they’ve received is that Jane Crocker herself has been involved in its development, but as far as many of the rebellion’s officers are concerned, that’s enough to be scared. The involvement of a deity in the creation of anything usually spells trouble.

ERIDAN: uh kar  
ERIDAN: are you forgettin somebody ovver here maybe  
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP ERIDAN I’LL GET TO YOU WHEN I FUCKING GET TO YOU SO WHY DON’T YOU SWALLOW YOUR BULGE FOR A FUCKING SECOND.  
ERIDAN: wwoww kar that is some vvulgar language i kneww you wwere rude but thats just goin a bit too far dont you think

Karkat is about to respond, but Kanaya puts a hand on his shoulder and glares at Eridan. This is enough to shut Eridan up for certain, given what happened the last time that Eridan and Kanaya were in a room together. Karkat smirks, takes a deep breath, and then resumes planning with the other officers. Finally, Karkat turns to Eridan.

KARKAT: YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHY WE BROUGHT YOU HERE.  
ERIDAN: uh yeah am i gettin a promotion  
ERIDAN: are you finally realizin that im the guy you need to make this wwhole thing wwork  
ERIDAN: ivve studied the military all my life i knoww just wwhat you gotta do to be effectivve at this thing  
KARKAT: WE BROUGHT YOU HERE BECAUSE WE NEED BAIT TO DRAW CROCKER’S FIRE, AND YOU’RE A GHOST SO YOU CAN’T DIE AGAIN TO BULLETS, AND ALSO YOU SUCK. SO WE’RE JUST GOING TO THROW YOU OUT THERE TO GET SHOT AT WHILE WE RAID THE FACILITY.

Eridan stares at Karkat in horror. Karkat’s face does not move.

ERIDAN: are you serious kar wwhy wwould you do that to me  
ERIDAN: im not just any old eridan ghost you knoww im your eridan your old buddy your old pal  
ERIDAN: i can help you i got a strategic mind you cant just use me for bait  
ERIDAN: howwevver aquatically themed i may be  
KARKAT: YEAH ACTUALLY IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE MY ERIDAN THAT I’M DOING THIS TO YOU. MY ERIDAN IS THE WORST ERIDAN. I WOULDN’T DO THIS TO GOD TIER ERIDAN OR MARCH ERIDAN. THEY RULE.

Karkat motions to God Tier Eridan and March Eridan standing among the officers. Both of them shoot him a thumbs up.

ERIDAN: are you kiddin you put those chumps up there but not me  
ERIDAN: thats just not fair kar wwhat did i evver do to deservve this  
KANAYA: Gee I Wonder  
ERIDAN: okay okay sorry kan i knoww wwe dont got the best history but i killed you you killed me noww wwere both here wwere both evven noww right  
ERIDAN: wwe used to be such good buddies kan wwe talked all the time wwhy dont you talk some sense into kar here  
KANAYA: Actually It Was My Idea To Use You As Bait  
KANAYA: Because You Suck  
KANAYA: And Yes We Were Great Friends  
KANAYA: I Am Still Great Friends With God Tier Eridan And March Eridan Because They Don’t Suck  
KANAYA: Like You

God Tier Eridan and March Eridan shoot Kanaya a thumbs up too. She smiles at them.

ERIDAN: cant i evver catch a fuckin break  
ERIDAN: fuck

\--

ERIDAN: aww fuck aww shit aww man

The Crocker Commandos are lined up at a barricade peppering Eridan’s not-quite-body full of bullets and sending not-quite-violet-blood all over in a grisly fountain of gore. He might not die from this, but it still hurts like hell.

ERIDAN: okay thats it ivve had enough  
ERIDAN: its time for you to see wwhat the prince of hope is capable of  
ERIDAN: you see ivve had a lot of time to think about magic and science and all that stuff and

A particularly large bullet goes through Eridan’s eye.

ERIDAN: come on cant a guy just monologue for twwo seconds wwithout gettin shot at you guys suck  
ERIDAN: and i get that i suck too evverybodys been tellin me that but cant you see that maybe i greww up wwrong im not really a bad guy once you get to knoww me i promise

The gunfire does not stop from happening.

ERIDAN: aww fuck it my point is that i can do this noww

Eridan pulls out his white wand and fires a massive Hope Beam at the Crocker Commandos, blowing up their barricades and sending them flying in a burst of pure optimism. They scream as white flames of raw potential lick at their skin and force them to flee.

ERIDAN: yeah wwhos the bait noww motherfuckers  
ERIDAN: you wwant a redemption arc outta me wwell i got your motherfuckin redemption arc right here  
ERIDAN: im a fuckin wwizard  
ERIDAN: magic is fuckin real

Karkat and Meenah come running out the front doors of the factory with their hands behind their head, running for cover as quickly as they can. Karkat runs straight past Eridan without even noticing him, but Meenah takes a moment to acknowledge him.

MEENAH: yo ampora two you betta run if you want to louvar  
MEENAH: they gotta thing in there that kills ghosts by bringing them back to life and then killing them again  
MEENAH: reel fucked up they got god tier eridan and march eridan both of them fucking ruled  
MEENAH: anyway bye  
ERIDAN: wwait wwhat

The factory explodes and out of the flames comes Jane Crocker herself piloting a massive red suit of armor.

JANE: THIS IS FOR MY DAD YOU CHITINOUS PIECES OF SHIT!

Jane’s suit of armor “fires” a beam of light at Eridan and, just for a moment, his eyes return to their normal color.

ERIDAN: swweet

And then Jane fires an onslaught of ballistic missiles at him.

ERIDAN: cant i EVVER catch a fuckin BREAK for ONCE

Jane’s missiles provide a resounding answer.


End file.
